


Princess Bride Redux?

by quietlyintoemptyspaces



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Crack, Princess Bride, narrator is not amused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-16
Updated: 2013-05-16
Packaged: 2017-12-12 00:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/805011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietlyintoemptyspaces/pseuds/quietlyintoemptyspaces
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day, while contemplating the logic behind Spock's choice of wardrobe, Kirk was kidnapped by an insane Scottish man - who happened to be madly in love with his boat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Princess Bride Redux?

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl that—

Supposed Beautiful Girl: *Ahem*

Narrator: Right…there was a dashingly handsome man by the name of Kirk who had a surprisingly grumpy stable hand—

Surprisingly Grumpy Stable Hand: I’m a doctor, damn it!

Narrator: *Sighs* Yes, of course. What he didn’t know, was that every time the doctor said “as you wish” what he really meant was “I love you”. They lived like this for many years, some how just the two of them and never really aging. (Don’t ask me, I’m just the narrator.)

The only reason Kirk had a doctor at all, who actually went by the name McCoy, was because he was always getting hurt, which only served to make the doctor even grumpier. One day, after a surprisingly stressful day, there was a bar fight – that Kirk totally didn’t start, by the way – and Kirk was injured.

The doctor put everything on hold for his true love, cursing him relentlessly as he patched Kirk up. After a few painful needles to the neck, Kirk finally seemed to get it. They would have totally had sex, but McCoy was called away because evidently he was married the whole time, which kind of sucked, but Kirk didn’t worry.

Kirk: So, you’ll go back, get a divorce, and come back, right?

McCoy: As you wish.

Narrator: Unfortunately, it didn’t happen that way. After waiting for some time, Kirk got news that the boat McCoy had been on had been captured by the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Dread Pirate Roberts: Hello, Narrator. I’m Nero.

Narrator: Well, he’s not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, but that should be discussed later in the story, and if not, then on the actual movie.

Moving on…

Kirk’s heart grew cold, knowing he could never love another. However, there was a prince who thought he was the most beautiful girl… the most ruggedly handsome man he’d ever seen.

His name was Prince Humperdink, which sounds rather dirty, so I don’t know why Kirk didn’t go for it.

Prince Humperdink: I am Prince Spock of Vulcan. Humperdink is an illogical name and I shall not accept it.

You may continue.

Narrator: …thank you, your majesty.

As I was saying, he wanted to make Kirk into his Princess Buttercup, however, Kirk’s heart could only belong to one man, and that man had died sometime ago. He knew, because Dread Pirate Roberts never took prisoners and didn’t leave survivors, even if his name wasn’t really Roberts at all.

Kirk lived in the castle, mostly ignoring Spock, but on occasion doing enough to rile that Vulcan cool.

One day, while contemplating the logic behind Spock’s choice of wardrobe, he was kidnapped by an insane Scottish man (who happened to be madly in love with his boat) who went by the name of Scotty.

Scotty: Aye! An’ it’s not because I’m Scottish, either! It’s jus’ me las’ name.

Narrator: It’s a common occurrence that I am interrupted, it seems.

Scotty has three henchmen. Excuse me: two. I seem to have misplaced my calculator. (And yes, Narrators do have calculators, and no, it’s not an abacus.)

First is an insane wielder of swords who would be called Inigo Montoya and speak with an exotic accent, but he changed his name to Sulu and he’s not foreign. Really – he’s from San Francisco, the place to be, as they say. (They do say that, right?) But he can still kick ass.

Second is a tiny Russian with a big bite. Well, actually, despite not sweating in the oversized fur coat of his, no one’s actually sure what he does to be useful, aside from looking absurdly cute and innocent with big eyes and a dreamy…

Right. The Russian is cute. We’ve established that fact.

Anyway, they kidnapped Buttercup…Kirk, they kidnapped Kirk (who’s cute, too) who ends up jumping overboard into a sea full of electric eels that were probably aliens masquerading as something purely earthly and natural.

Kirk proceeded to scream like a girl, then thankfully went back to the ship where he didn’t have to face evil aliens out to electrocute him. He contemplated pushing the madmen in, but the Russian kid distracted him with cuteness.

Turns out, they were being followed by another ship, distracted it with a big cliff that Scotty magically transported them to the top of. The other ship wasn’t so lucky, and one man dressed in black slowly but surely made his way up.

For some reason, Scotty asked if he wanted to be transported up. He was declined, however, and left Sulu there to kill him if he succeeded in actually surviving the climb, which he did.

Sulu: I am Hikaru Sulu. You did not kill my father, but I think I will fight you anyway. You, I presume, are Dread Pirate Roberts.

Presumed Dread Pirate Roberts: I’m a doctor, damn it, not a pirate! I’m Dread Doctor Bones – Nero can kiss my ass if he thinks I’m copying him.

Sulu: So you’re Kirk’s true love. Just so you know, he thinks you’re dead. And I know who you are because Kirk can’t stop talking. I think it’s a genetic defect.

Dread Doctor Bones: Damn it, Jim! You’re ruining the plot! And damn it! I don’t know how to use a sword!

Sulu: So you’re not going to fight me?

Dread Doctor Bones: *uses sneaky doctor moves and stabs needle into Sulu’s neck* Sorry, but I can’t have you ruining my plans to steal back Princess Buttercup and ravish her into the…I’m saying the wrong words, aren’t I?

Sulu: Tho it would theem, but I kin’ of like your plan. Can I come? After you ficth my thoung?

Dread Doctor Bones: Oh, yeah, I can fix that!

Narrator: And so, Dread Doctor Bones fixed Sulu’s tongue with his magical needles and continued with their journey and eventually came upon a cute little Russian hiding behind a boulder. The doctor-turned-pirate didn’t seem to be phased by the cuteness.

Dread Doctor Bones: How old are you, kid?

Russian: My name ees Chekov and I em sewenteen!

Dread Doctor Bones: Oh, great, he’s seventeen. I take it you’re tagging along too?

Narrator: And so (again) the three of them headed on together to find the insane Scottish man and the kidnapped Kirk, only to find them laughing and drunk off their asses. Luckily, Dread Doctor Bones had a remedy for that, much to the pain of Kirk.

Kirk: Ow, damn it! Stop that!

Dread Doctor Bones: As you wish.

Kirk: McCoy! My love!

Narrator: Kirk would have thrown himself onto McCoy, unfortunately, in the distance were Spock and his men. Immediately, Scotty transported them to the forest of doom where they were attacked by fire geysers and giant rats. McCoy was a doctor though, so no one was injured beyond repair.

On the other side, out of the forest, Spock was waiting with his right hand man… woman, Uhura-they-don’t-have-first-names-where-I-come-from. They proceeded to kill the pirate, aka McCoy, aka Bones, and knocked the other three out, proclaiming Kirk rescued.

Of course, McCoy is a doctor, so he can’t die. Besides, he’s Kirk’s true love. The other three picked him up, carried him between them and went to the nearest healer, who actually turned out to be an aged version of himself with an aged version of Kirk, and, as if that wasn’t enough, an aged version of Spock.

They argued relentlessly and fed the almost dead McCoy chocolate dipped nuts that worked like magic, because suddenly he was walking and talking and looking at his aged self like he was delirious. It’s possible they all were.

Meanwhile, at the castle, Spock was strategically playing chess against Kirk while contemplating how to get him to become his Princess Buttercup. Kirk, however, was very good at chess. So, as they played chess, Uhura practiced unknown, possibly alien languages, ignoring Sulu and Chekov and Scotty as they snuck in with the undercover doctor.

Well, she didn’t ignore them, more like telepathically spoke to Spock in Vulcan and warned him, but she didn’t know how to use a sword and she was momentarily distracted by the kid’s cuteness. Besides, she wanted Spock to herself so figured that if the doctor poorly disguised in medical blue took Kirk, then Spock would relinquish himself to her.

Well, she could only hope.

During logical conversational intercourse, Spock deduced that Kirk was better off as a friend and ran off to find Uhura and profess his logical love for her, however, he left Kirk tied to the bed as a thank you gift to the Dread Doctor Bones, who thanked him very much.

So, Kirk and McCoy found new ways to liven up their love life, became friends with Prince Spock of Vulcan, and made new friends with Scotty and his awesome side-kicks.

Nero: They lived happily every after, we get the picture, and there was much kissing involved.

I, however, retired to a private island with my first officer Ayel, where we contemplated how to take over the universe.

(P.S. I still hate Spock and I have no idea why I took that doctor under my wing.)

Narrator: This, quite possibly, could be the end.

…yeah, pretty much.


End file.
